Rule #5: Pardon The Masturbation

Masturbation is as natural as meiosis. It’s as necessary as sleep. It’s as inborn as fight-or-flight. In short, the survival of our species depends on it. Without the tension-relieving wonder of self-love, human interaction would be a 24/7 re-enactment of the “You fuck my wife?” scene from Raging Bull. (Fact: DeNiro went a full week sans release in preparation for that day of filming, an Oscar-worthy feat in itself.) Masturbation is man’s magic bullet: it’s a home run, a good dump, and Xanax—all crammed into a frenzied three minutes (call me, ladies). Also, it should be noted that I am referring only to male masturbation. Female masturbation serves no such social purpose, as the female orgasm is a myth. Just ask my ex-girlfriend.

Onward and upward.

We have established that masturbation is an inalienable right. But keep your tube socks on; there are a few ground rules. Just as your right to free speech doesn’t mean you can falsely shout “Fire!” in a crowded theater (see Schenk v. United States), you can’t go taming the shrew just anywhere with impunity. Here’s a lesson in self-aggression discretion. Let’s take a look at some real-world examples.

Flying Solo

You’re taking the overnight from L.A. to Bangkok, and at thirty thousand feet you’ve developed an elevation situation. It’ll be another fourteen hours before a Thai masseuse offers you the house special, and you’re not sure you can hold out. So you shuffle past your neighbor (see this article for guidance) and head to the lavatory for a little in-flight fiction friction. This is permissible, provided there is no line. And no, this doesn’t qualify you for the Mile High Club. Maybe the Mile Cry Club. Because it’s pathetic, you see.  Is this thing on?

The Shower Shimmy

You’re sudsing up for a big date, and you realize that you’ve forgotten the cursory pre-game scrimmage. You know how those girls from the escort service hate to be kept waiting, so in the interest of time you opt for an erotic aquatic jam sesh. After all, cleanup’s a cinch! But hold on there, George Costanza—just because there’s a drain, it doesn’t mean any and all fluids are kosher. If you’re the only person who uses the shower, have at it, sicko. Otherwise, find someplace else. Fraternity initiations notwithstanding, nobody wants to disrobe and stand around in somebody else’s man-jam.  Keep your hands on your luffa.

The Happy Camper

Ah, nature. There’s nothing like Kumbaya and a Coleman tent to remind you why we live in houses (with walls and privacy and everything!). Camping brings people together. Like, really close together. The intimacy overload can be a social pressure cooker, and it’s every man’s duty to help relieve the tension. It’s a big wilderness out there, rife with opportunities to commune with nature. Just keep it away from the campsite, lest you attract curious singles from the grizzly community. Bears get lonely, too. Just ask any Greenwich Village he-man wearing a leather police hat and studded choker.  Er, so I hear.

The Hostile Hostel

This conundrum is a dormitory version of the happy camper. Communal lodging is hostile to phallic flagellation. Still, where there’s a will, there’s a wank. Strategy is key—it’s not enough just to wait until lights-out to begin the surreptitious southpaw. Your bunkmates aren’t asleep, and you’re embarrassing yourself. The bathroom is your best bet (but remember, the shower is off-limits). When you’re done, fiddle noisily with the toilet paper dispenser and follow that up with a flush, thus creating the subterfuge of having pooped. You may not be fooling anyone, but people appreciate the effort.  How considerate of you.

Friendly Fire

You’re at your buddy’s place, and all the guys have gathered to watch UFC on pay-per-view. While your friends are grappling with homoeroticism (Georges Saint-Pierre is so ripped, bro!), you consider enlisting the bowel movement ploy for a first-round upset of your own. Don’t. Remember when you were a kid and you asked your dad to stop the car so you could pee, and he said, “You should have thought of that before we left,”?  Well, you should have thought of that before you left.

FINAL VERDICT:

Infraction Rating: Moderate

Masturbation keeps us sane. It is healthy not only for individuals, but for society as a whole. That said, social contract precludes the act in many circumstances. Do your best to plan ahead. The above situations can often be obviated if you take care of business at home. But the world is not an ideal place, and at times you will invariably find yourself in a quandary. When this happens, use the guidelines illustrated above, and exercise unselfish judgment. Apply the Kantian categorical imperative: ask yourself, “Would I mind if someone else were masturbating in this situation?” (It’s thought experiments like the previous that led to the shower shimmy admonition.) And when you do masturbate away from home, maintain your sense of propriety. No dilly-dallying. This is not the time or place for Enya and scented candles. Liquidate your inventory, clean up, and move on. There’s nothing sadder than being caught romancing yourself. Happy slapping! ∞