Rule #1: Movie Aisles, Crotch or Butt?

It’s a common conundrum. You sit down at the theatre, people begin to fill in, the trailers start rolling, and it hits you. You need to get up and go to the bathroom, or you forgot to grab a Dr. Pepper to go with your Tub O’ Salt with popcorn on the side. Now you need to get out of the middle of the aisle, and there is only enough room between the fellow patrons and the seats in front of you for Kate Moss to slip through. You have to squeeze past the guy you’re about to spend the next 2 hours next to and you have a dire (and quick) decision to make:

Do I put my crotch or butt in his face?

This is more than just a “two-sided” issue. Many factors are involved. Are you male or female? Straight or gay? Thin or plump? Ugly or pretty? Ok… maybe these arent fair questions to ask yourself, perhaps there is a simple way to determine one rule for all people. Let’s weigh the pros and cons of each:

BUTT IN FACE

Pros…

• You can still see the screen
• You dont have to show him or her your shame
• You can fart on him or her if he/she is being annoying
• You can show off your assets
• If its stadium seating you can look down the shirt of the girl in front of you

Cons…

• Putting your poopshoot in someone’s face is a bit embarassing
• In stadium seating you may get vertigo and/or fall down
• You may get “Goosed”
• You may get “Icemanned” (which is an even weirder move)

 
CROTCH IN FACE

Pros…

• A nice way to say “How do you do?”
• Good for a drive-by braindangle
• A good way for a girl to show off her goods
• Make friends easier
• Easy to see who it is that grabs you

Cons…

• You can’t see the screen
• If you just finished making out, you might be exposing your boner
• You can get punched in the nards
• A drunk might vomit into your mouth

 

WILLIAM SHATNER

KAHN!!!

 
Thanks Bill…
Anyway, the pros and cons are pretty evenly matched, so the Roundtable of Universal Lawmakers (or “RULers”) will have to go to an expert on the subject… the lowly theater usher… to see what they think.

RULers:  So you spend a lot of time walking up and down the aisles right?

Bernie the Usher:  Yeah.  I guess…

RUL:  When you go through the aisles, do you face the people sitting down or do you turn away from them?

BtU:  Um… I face them.  I’m usually moving through the aisles to ask people to stop talking or break up fights.  Though, one time i got kicked in the chest so hard I coughed up blood for two weeks.

RUL:  So you’re saying maybe people should face away?

BtU:  Uh… yeah… sure.  I’ve got a huge pile of hurl I gotta put sawdust on.  Can I go?  Are we done?

RUL:  Yeah, thanks.

 

FINAL VERDICT:

Infraction Rating: Moderate

Well, we’ve thoroughly assessed the situation.  In the end it was a tough decision.  We got to the bottom of things, and now it is all behind us.  So the answer is:

BUTT IN FACE

… no ifs, ands, or b… well you get it.  ∞